Here’s a question from Stephanie.
She’s experiencing what so many of us have experienced with a man. She’s 7 months into an exclusive relationship and she doesn’t know where it’s headed and she’s starting to feel anxious about it. She’s crazy about him and loves him and doesn’t want it to end.
“Hi Leigha, My boyfriend is getting ready to leave for 6 weeks for his work, and I think it’s assumed that I’m going to visit him quite a bit, but I’m not officially going with him. He still hasn’t told me he loves me, and I’m getting fairly discouraged it’s not going to happen. He always seems confused when he talks about his feelings. Either he isn’t admitting it to himself, or he really just doesn’t feel it. I’m not sure. I’m really struggling with it since he’s leaving soon. We still have a ton of fun together and I’m still crazy about him, I just don’t know how to stop thinking about his lack of feelings towards me. I have a hard time believing he is suddenly going to develop those feelings when we aren’t with each other Any advice? -Thanks! Stephanie”
Hi Stephanie! Here’s my advice to you…
Don’t ask him where the relationship is going, what’s going to happen, or how he feels. Sounds like you’re already trying NOT to do these things. Yay!!! However – when the subject comes up, it’s crucial for you to express how you authentically feel.
You can script something like this…
“I feel unsure about things right now. It feels weird not knowing what’s going to happen. It makes me feel sad to see you go, but happy you’re doing your thing.”
How does that feel to you?
If you pretend you’re ok with everything, he will feel that something is off and he will lose the connection with you. Men crave the emotional connection with us, and when we disconnect from our own feelings, – then they can’t connect with us and they start to drift even further away.
What you can do starting right now
Start building attraction right now by expressing how happy you feel when he does something that makes you happy.
Or, how good it feels to hear his voice when he calls.
Or, how fun and cozy it feels to go out to dinner and the movies.
The next step –
It’s important for you to get to a place within yourself where you feel – no matter what happens, you’re going to be ok. If it works out with him…great! If it doesn’t, you’ll be ok too. (I can help you with this.) He will feel this vibe from you and he will feel more intrigued and attracted. It will also give him the space to pursue you. Masculine men fall in love when they’re giving and pursuing…so let him initiate, call and text. If you’ve been reciprocating 50/50, start baby stepping… so he’s doing/giving more and you’re receiving more. If it feels scary, you’re right on track!! You can do this!
Yeah, I know I should be better about not asking where the relationship is going and how he feels. I try really hard not to do it, but sometimes I can’t help myself and I succumb to the evil powers of my mind. You gave really great advice. I’m just so used to dating really weird guys that profess their love to me in the first week that I”m not quiet sure how to deal with someone who’s a little more normal. I’m not sure I’ve ever dated someone who is normal. It’s something new and different for me. It’s good, and much better.
Stephanie – It’s very common to swing from one side of the pendulum to the other extreme side when dating men. I know I did. Yes, he might be more ready for a real relationship than most of the men you’ve dated so far, but he is on the other side of what you’re used to. Instead of feeling smothered, you feel space, which probably feels more like emptiness to you.
Ideally, a guy will say “I love you” around the 3 month mark. He’ll tell you where he sees the relationship going.
It’s great that he’s moving slower than most of the men you’ve dated, and he’s also being honest with you about his feelings of confusion. He’s trying to figure it all out in his head, while at the same time enjoy living in the moment with you. Most men live in the moment and if things feel good – they want to stay. If he’s feeling confused and you want a “yes” or “no” answer, his only choice is to say “no”.
Men usually commit if they have the fear of losing you. Sad, but true. So without actually saying anything, if he can feel that you will not wait around for him, that you have your own life to live, and you enjoy being with him, but you’re fine with or without him… this will compel him to come closer!
Let me know how it goes!