Here’s a question from Rose.  Her man has pulled away but is still keeping in contact with her.  What should she say to him?

I’m in California. Just got here a couple days ago. I guess things are over with Todd. I asked him, as you’d suggested I do, how he saw the next few months working out. He said he hadn’t really thought about it.

I left him alone for a few days, and then he emailed and said he wanted to talk.

We talked and had a lovely conversation except he said he was too tired to talk about what he wanted to talk about. And the next day he sent me an email saying that he is all confused about his feelings and doesn’t think he wants a relationship because he doesn’t know how he feels about anything in his whole life.

I wrote back okay, that is fine because I know that if a train doesn’t stop at my station, it’s not my train.

Then I had a meltdown.

Anyway, I came to California and mostly I am happy about it, although sometimes I do feel like I don’t have a clue what I’m doing here. I thought I would be with him.  He texted asking if I made it here safely and how is the weather.  That was 2 days ago, and nothing since, and I kinda hope he just leaves me alone if he doesn’t decide that he wants to step up.

If he wanted to step up- for real this time – I’d be interested. I just don’t want mixed messages and him floating around like a “friend” in the ether and confusing me.

I unfriended him from Facebook.

So if he texts friendly little messages, do I answer or ignore?

I’m pretty sure I will hear from him again. I just want to get on with my life and find an apartment and a job and meet new, different men, and kinda move past this disappointment.

That is why I came here. It’s an easy place to meet people. Its a fun place with lots of cool stuff happening. I’m going to get back into doing what I love.

I just don’t know what to do if he texts me again. He said on the phone last week something like he would like to visit. I’m thinking, I’m here to make a fresh start. What the eff?

He probably won’t come. But he will almost certainly text.

Respond or ignore? Or see how am feeling that day?

I am leaning back, I have two dates set up — actually 5 if you count gay guys and dates that don’t have an actual plan yet. I’m flirting like mad and yesterday a man in town on business followed me around like a puppy and started blushing when I talked in feeling messages.  It was the cutest thing and felt really good.

Today a man stopped on the sidewalk and thanked me for smiling at him, saying I had made his day.

I feel good about myself and I will make a point of bringing into my life here the things I love.  So I feel confident that my life here will be happy.

I just feel a dull ache when I think about Todd, and I feel wistful because it would have been so much fun. So I don’t know what to do when he next texts, because he will, and I don’t want to slam the door in his face if he might step up.  And I sure as heck don’t want to be his friend so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about leading me down the garden path.

His email said, “Please don’t think I knew it would turn out like this. I didn’t know I was broken.”

Onwards and upwards.  Next!

My Answer:

Dear Rose – First of all – I’m so proud of you!!!

You’re allowing this man the space to figure out what he wants to do – without pressuring him and keeping your self esteem intact!!  This is amazing!!

What do you do and say when he texts you next?

The first thing I would do if I was you, since you’re still open to him stepping up, is setting a timeline for how long you’re going to “see” what happens.  This allows both of you the breathing room to “just be.”

In the meantime – it’s not like you’re just sitting around “waiting” for him – like you mentioned above you have 5 dates lined up in the near future!!  More than likely you’ll get bored with him if he doesn’t step up soon.

When you receive the next text – check in with how you feel.  You’re probably going to feel a few different things…

1. You feel happy to hear from him.
2.  You feel confused he’s still texting you after he told you he was broken.
3.  You don’t really know what to say to him at this point.

That’s what you say to him.  Remember this is all practice!  The only guidelines are – be open, vulnerable and authentic.  Which means matching up your words with how you’re actually feeling.  This is a breath of fresh air to men.

He texts: Hi…How are you?

You:  Hi…I feel happy hearing from you, but it also feels a little confusing.  I don’t know what to say…

Or

You:  Hi…I feel happy hearing from you and I don’t really know what to say…

These are very simple, very basic feeling messages.

I’m sure thoughts/questions will come up like, “Should I sound happier?”  “Won’t this push him away?”  “What if he doesn’t text back?”

The whole point of talking this way with a man is about YOU and how you really feel!

It’s not about trying to bring a man closer (although it typically does).

You don’t have to worry about letting him know you’re open to him stepping up – women do this all the time (making it easy) and it actually dampens a man’s attraction.  As long as you’re still responding to him when he moves towards you – you’re an invitation.

No matter what you say, or how you say it – if you’re worried about pushing him away or him not coming closer – he willfeel it.

That’s why saying how you really feel is the only way to True Love…

The whole point of all this work is to cherish your feelings so that a man (the right man for you) can cherish your feelings.

I wouldn’t ignore him – use every single interaction with every single man – whether it’s 10 seconds or 50 dates, to practice expressing how you feel, what you want and what you don’t want.

This will bring you Mr. Right FASTER than anything else you could ever do!

Keep me posted!  I would love to hear how this works for you!!

Love,

Leigha