What You Need To Know Before You Start Online Dating – It Can Be So Much Easier Than You Think!

Leigha Lake

I know so many women are reluctant to online date, but if they could change their perspective, it’s a great way to learn the difference between a man who’s ready for a relationship and a man who clearly isn’t.

Learning how to talk with men online and handle situations that are uncomfortable in a way that doesn’t drain you and discourage you from staying online – is an art.

It’s not something that comes naturally to us.

The online dating world is very cut throat.  This is good and bad.  Most people look at it as a bad thing.

The good thing about online dating is:

  • You get “free therapy” as long as you need it. (We heal in the presence of men.)
  • You get to experience how men really work. (This is how men became “predictable” to me.)
  • You can learn how to express your most authentic self without trying to control the outcome. (This is harder to do when you’re in a relationship because you’re more worried about how a man will respond.)
  • You experience over and over again how allowing a man to pursue YOU lets you see if he’s capable of giving you the type of relationship you want before getting overly invested.
  • Online dating helps you build your boundaries which is necessary to attract the type of man and love you really desire. (An empowered masculine man has strong boundaries and wants a woman who has strong boundaries.  We attract our vibrational match.)

Here’s a situation I know many women experience.  Thanks Melissa for asking this question!

The Question:

“Hi Leigha,

I’ve come across a few men or boys should I say, that are arguing with me or sending out bad vibes when I tell them I’m not interested or I’m not a match on OkCupid. Honestly it’s slim pickings on there and there was a guy that I didn’t find overly attractive but I liked a few things he wrote in his profile so I replied to his message. He was making comments like you replied to me because you found me attractive right? He was very aggressive with asking questions in a way where he was just firing them off and gave me his number right away. He also asked if we could talk on a separate messaging app.

When I told him last night that it seemed like he was really aggressive and I wasn’t interested in him, he said a few things like you’re looking for a good guy but you’re not giving one a chance and your loss etc etc.

I ended up not replying to him and blocking his messages because I was so turned off and didn’t like how it made me feel.

Then another guy today sent me this long message. I replied and thanked him for the message and compliments and told him I didn’t think we were a match and I’m not looking to date someone his age. He was begging me to give him a chance. I said I know what I want. It’s nothing against you personally. ???? Then he is arguing and replies that obviously it is against him and it’s messed up maybe that’s why you’re single and too picky. He said age shouldn’t be a factor.

Ok so I didn’t reply to this guy at this point. I’m going to block him too for his insults and immaturity for not respecting my decision. Would you recommend me doing anything differently here? I mean this is crazy that these guys are arguing with me because I told them I wasn’t interested. Just wondering what your thoughts are?



My Answer:

Hi Melissa,

Oh man, I know how frustrating this feels!  The answer is rather simple but not necessarily easy.

You’re doing awesome.  The only thing I would tweak (and it’s a small tweak) is noticing the urge to explain yourself.

Don’t do it.

Notice how it feels.  (You’ll start to feel stronger and more empowered the less you explain “why” you don’t think you’re a match.)

You don’t owe anyone any explanation at this point.

When you know you’re not interested, all you need to say is, “Thank you for writing me.  I don’t think we’re a match.”

How does that feel?

Are you worried about his feelings before your own?

Do you want to say.. “best of luck” or anything like that to “soften” it up?  Just notice if you do.

Here’s the truth: no one wants anyone to “soften” things up for us.

We’ve all heard these types of things being said:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I’m not ready for a relationship.”
“My life is really busy right now.”
“I’m not over my ex.”

Would you rather hear the truth or the “soft” truth?

This isn’t about being “cold” or “heartless”-  it’s about being a woman who knows she only moves towards what feels good to her and moves away from what doesn’t.

It’s very attractive and high vibrational.

It isn’t personal and there’s no reason to state it.

The more we can open up and unapologetically express what we feel and think, the better our world is.

A man’s response to your saying “No” is not your business.  This is where we get to “practice” letting go of trying to control any outcome.

If a man starts trying to convince you to see him or give him a chance – get your energy out of there.

Also – take note of how it feels to be on the receiving end of “convincing” – it makes you feel even MORE turned off, right?

This is how men feel when we want to talk about the relationship, ask how he feels and what he’s thinking or any of those types of questions.  It’s an instant attraction killer and actually repels love.

Your job when it comes to saying, “I don’t think we’re a match.” is to be clear and then remove yourself from the energy.

Sometimes I think we just need to hear it’s “ok” to say no and not feel bad.

When you unapologetically express yourself, I know things will feel easier for you.

Love, Leigha


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Hey, Leigha here – I’m a mom, wife, lover of the outdoors & Relationship Coach for High-Achieving Women. My mission is to help women steer clear of unhealthy, toxic, soul-destroying relationships and show them how to attract an integrated masculine man, and live a deeply rich and fulfilling life.

Early stages of dating

Bonding stages of dating

Long term relationships


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