Here’s a question I received from Stephanie, who’s experiencing the pain and frustration of her man telling her he’s confused and the relationship feels broken.
“My live in boyfriend of 5 years (And father to our child) recently told me he’s confused. We recently had an argument where I told him I feel neglected because he comes straight home from work to go and play games (Which I don’t usually mind, but as a stay at home mom, I get lonely) and I said “I don’t know what you rush home to see us when it feels like you ignore us,” I didn’t say it in an angry way, but he said he felt attacked.
From the day, according to him, he says he still loves me, but the relationship now feels broken. He said when I said that a switch flipped and when he looks at me, I don’t feel like HIS girlfriend, but someone else’s and he feels guilty looking at me. We’re trying to work things out, and it’s been about 2 weeks now, but neither of us know how to fix it. I’ve pretty much been doing what you said in the article (with the exception of a few slip ups) Any other tips?”
I can completely understand your frustration with your boyfriend coming home from work and going straight to playing games. I would feel the exact same way!
Whenever you’re feeling frustrated in your relationship (whether you’re married or dating) the first thing you want to focus on is your own energy – instead of how to get him to understand what you need. (Which is ultimately the only thing you have control over.)
Based on what he’s said to you, it sounds like he’s unsure if he can make you happy.
A man needs to know he can make you happy in order for deep intimacy and a lasting connection. If a man feels on a gut level that he can’t make you happy, he’ll quickly start to doubt that you’re the one for him.
In order to for him to know he can make you happy, all you have to do is show him that you appreciate him by thanking him and expressing your appreciation every chance you can.
A man needs respect and appreciation and a woman needs focused attention in order to feel a deep connection.
You can start healing the relationship right away by expressing how good it feels when he does or says something that feels good. Let him know what makes you happy.
Focus on other things in your life that feel so you’re filling yourself up and not looking to him to fulfill any deep unmet needs of yours.
Then over time, you’ve built up feelings of connection and safety – so that when you do express you feel sad or disappointed in something, he doesn’t feel attacked.
Please don’t use this blog post as a reason for beating yourself for not knowing this information earlier or thinking you’ve caused this to happen. This isn’t anyone’s fault, it takes two people for a relationship to stay healthy and balanced.
Learning this information is about empowering you to have the love and relationship you desire – with a man who’s more than willing and capable of loving you the way you’ve always wanted.
How To Bring Him Closer (IF He’s Capable Of Giving You The Love You Desire)
1. Create space and softness within your relationship
I talk about the ultimate combination on bringing a man close by creating space and softness in my eBook, Make Him Fall In Love All Over Again
Space is created when you shift your energy away from your partner and put your energy on anything and everything that has nothing to do with your relationship. For example, he comes home and you’re focused on making a yummy meal or dessert (just for your own pleasure) he’ll feel that your energy isn’t focused on him. Within a few days, he’ll be drawn to come talk to you.
Softness is created through your response to when your man comes close. If you’re focused on your feelings of frustration with what he’s doing or not doing – he’ll feel your frustration on a subconscious level and he’ll withdraw again. If you can allow him to come close and express your joy and happiness when he does, he’ll feel safe to get closer. Sometimes just this shift in energy can actually change his desire to come home and go straight to playing video games.
2. Lighten the mood between the two of you
When our relationship feels like it’s falling apart, we tend to become filled with worry, fear, and anxiety and then we cycle to anger and resentment and then we feel a little bit of hope and then we cycle back to worry and anxiety and the smallest sign things really aren’t improving.
The best thing you can do is stop reacting and start responding to your man in a completely new way! Become the woman you were when you first started dating. Be fun, flirty and playful.
3. Express your feelings in a way he can hear
This is so so important and it feels so much better to us too!! He comes home – and he goes to play a video game, rather than expressing through your initial irritation of him choosing to play a video game (which is totally normal!), the way to bring him closer (if he’s capable of giving you the love you deserve) is to express what you really want which would be, “I feel so happy you’re home. It would feel good to do something together. What do you think?”
Then release all expectation to how he’s going to respond to that. This is where your REAL power is.
I think we’re all really sensitive when our partner tells us we’re not doing something they want us to do. Expressing yourself in this new way will alleviate unnecessary misunderstandings or feelings of being attacked.
Creating space and softness will start healing the relationship and begin bringing it into a healthy dynamic.
If nothing shifts or changes when you’re implementing the space and softness combination, then you’ll want to ask yourself if you can accept this man for who he is right now without wanting to change him?
Space And Softness
- No longer focusing on him and what he’s doing or not doing (space)
- Managing your own energy and feeling happy from within (space)
- Expressing your feelings in a way he can hear (softness)
- Being fun, flirty and playful (softness)
- Letting him know you appreciate him (softness)
This is the magical combination that I’ve seen turn even the most hopeless of situations around.
Let me know how things go, I love hearing your updates!!