After we stop doing everything that doesn’t work with men and relationships – which will create a BIG transformation in our relationship – we still have a problem, right?
What do we do and say when he starts coming close??
Have you ever experienced this…
Your man’s stopped calling as much as he used to, or waits until way later in the day to make plans, or he’s stopped wanting to just hang out with you – doing nothing like he used to? I know how awful that feels.
I remember feeling anxious and insecure and not knowing how to act around him.
Was I supposed to act like everything was ok? Do I act cold and indifferent? How will he know this is unacceptable? I had no idea what to do. I just knew things felt “off” and the blissful feelings I used to feel weren’t consistent anymore.
I remember researching “dating, relationship and how to get him to want me” advice – I wanted to know what to say and what to do to make him feel more attracted to me.
Even though things weren’t feeling that great – I still wanted a great relationship with him and I wasn’t ready to give up.
Imagine how good it would feel to know exactly what to do and what to say when he starts coming toward you again – to create a deeper connection with him – so he’ll feel more compelled to be with you at a gut level.
What do we do when he starts coming towards us again is crucial.
What we typically want to do is lash out at him, or shut down. We’re feeling angry and hurt and yet we feel happy to see him too (or hear from him).
Whenever our man starts coming towards us – we want to be warm, open and inviting. So how can we be warm, open, inviting AND authentic when we’re feeling angry?? How do we not be a doormat?
Imagine your man as rubber-band – he comes close and then he pulls away.
Just knowing this is going to happen can help you feel prepared for it – although it feels awful and as though the relationship is ending.
Step 1. When your man comes close again – check in with your feelings. Usually we feel happy hearing from him right? Yay – he’s calling! AND we’re feeling angry or sad or confused even.
Step 2. Be his invitation (soft, warm and open) so he feels safe coming closer. We become an invitation by expressing how we feel without blaming him or making him wrong. This is how we can start healing the relationship and quickly turn things around.
Step 3. He’s calling, you pick up the phone and say, “Hi.” He asks how you’re doing and you say – “Hi baby (insert you favorite name here), I feel really happy hearing from you (and if you can stop there, that’s what I recommend). I like focusing on building good moments first.
Or – “I always love hearing from you and I’ve been feeling angry and sad and it feels a little confusing. I don’t want to feel this way.”
There are so many variations you can say to a man – and what matters is – what you’re saying feels authentic to YOU.
A man can sense when we’re being congruent. He can feel when our outsides aren’t matching up with our insides (smiling even though we’re upset) – and if they aren’t matching up he starts feeling fear. He doesn’t know why – he just knows he doesn’t feel safe.
Expressing how we feel creates safety for a man. A man wants to be with a woman who can feel. He thinks, “Wow – she can handle feeling her feelings – that means she can handle mine. She really gets me!”
If we want our man to come close and open up to us, we have to go first.
We have to open up so he can open up. He will open up when he feels emotionally safe – and he doesn’t get there by us telling him he’s safe with us and how much we love him and care about him. Or letting him know how interested we are.
He’ll feel safe when you feel safe to express how you feel. This let’s him see that you feel safe being YOU. If you feel safe with YOU – he’ll feel safe with you too! This is so attractive to a man.
And this isn’t about trying to get anything from him – which to him feels like we’re chasing him. It’s about cherishing your own feelings and loving them – so he can too!
The more you can practice expressing how you feel, the easier and quicker your relationship will transform. When you start shifting your vibe – he’ll feel you shifting – and that’s how you’ll inevitably end up in a completely new place with your man!
I would love to hear how expressing your feelings goes for you.