Here’s a question from Donna about what she should do when a man is only texting and asking her out once a week and she would prefer to get to know him by talking on the phone and seeing him multiple times a week.
Although this question is about wanting a phone call rather than texting (Which is what we’d all want.) – the answer can applied to any situation where we feel frustrated that a man isn’t doing “the job” or he’s not doing things the way we would prefer. Or when we feel unsure about how to get our point across.
Here’s The Question:
Hi Leigha, I’ve been going out with a guy about once/week for 5 weeks. He’s very attentive and interested on the dates. He asks me out several days in advance. He texts me every day. Here’s the thing. He NEVER calls me—only texts. I know for certain he is divorced, and I know he spends a good deal of time with his son. That being said, I’m really not a texter—I prefer to talk on the phone. I have mentioned that to him before. He continues to text. I have twice called him when he texted me and I was on the road for business—saying that I can’t text and drive. He seemed fine to talk, but continues not to call me. I would like to get to know him better—but it’s hard to do with one date/week and texting every day.
I can completely understand why this would feel frustrating to you.
Whenever we catch ourselves wanting to speed things up, it’s our cue to actually slow down.
This may or may not be a “red flag” meaning he can’t or is choosing not to move the relationship towards a life long commitment – and the only way to know for sure, is time.
I truly believe as women we have so much more power than we realize. We don’t need to “do” anything for a man to want to make us happy. It’s all in our vibe.
When we’re with a healthy masculine man and we learn how to express ourselves in words and body language a man can hear – he’ll be compelled to rearrange the Universe to make it so.
Give it another 2 months (most likely you’ll know earlier than that) and then you’ll have a clear picture if this is a relationship that feels good and will work for you or not.
Ideally, you want a man who’s asking you out a few times a week and calling you on the phone.
If you’ve already expressed your desire to talk on the phone – there’s really nothing else for you to do.
It’s still relatively early and if your focus is simply on having fun and getting to know him and being aware of how you feel when you’re with this man and when you’re not with him, then most likely he’ll eventually call you because he’s not feeling pressured to do so.
What tends to happen once we start dating a man we’re interested in, especially if he’s moving things slowly, is get impatient.
Time is on your side – and we usually feel as though we’re running out of time.
Here are 3 ways you can express your feelings and true desires and still respect your masculine man.
- “I love hearing from you and it would feel great to talk on the phone sometimes as well. What do you think?”
- “I would love to connect over the phone.”
- “I’m not big on texting and feel more comfortable talking on the phone. What do you think?”
The scripts basically go: “I would love…” “It would feel good/great….”
Then – your only job is to sit back and see what he does or doesn’t do. If he still doesn’t call you, ask yourself if you can be “OK” with this?
Healthy, masculine men want 2 things:
- They want to be respected, appreciated and trusted.
- They want to know they can make us happy.
Don’t Do This:
Don’t try and “force” him to talk on the phone by calling him when he texts.
It’s so easy for us confident women to “step up” and lead the relationship – and what this does is actually push the masculine energy away. (It’s leaning forward energy, I also call it “pushing.”) A man will start to lose attraction and he won’t really know why.
If you’re on the road, waiting until you’ve reached your destination before responding back to him would probably feel better to you.
To Be Irresistible – Do This
Next time he texts you, notice how you feel.
Do you want to text back right away?
Do you feel a little angry and want to wait?
Notice what feels best for you to do and honor it.
Notice if you feel angry and ask yourself if it’s because he’s not doing what you want him to do.
It’s common to think we’d be happier if only he would do things the way we want him to.
When we feel this way, it’s our cue to put our focus back onto our lives, something we’re passionate about and feels like pleasure.
It’s always our job to make ourselves happy, this allows us to see clearly, tap into our intuition and keep our precious energy on ourselves.
This is what attracts a healthy, masculine man who can love us the way we’ve always wanted to be loved.
Thanks for the advice. I’m sure there are other women who experience the same thing. I am truly not trying to control Rob or get my way. I just feel that while we are going out, I don’t like to put all the pressure on the date —especially when it’s once/week to get to know someone. I love getting to know someone gradually. He texts me every single day—I just don’t think those texts are conducive to getting to know him. I have just not responded every single time he texts. I have a feeling that he thinks this is “safe” for him. He has given some indications that he is a little insecure about me…but what do I know? Being asked out once/week and only texting in between is not feeling good to me. I guess I don’t feel a real interest from him—even though he texts several times/day.
You’re welcome and yes SO many women experience this. I know you’re not trying to control him or get your way. It is how we come across when we can “see” how thing would better – like how texting isn’t really a good way to get to know someone and how seeing each other once a week could put pressure on getting to know each other. We start to get frustrated. I totally get it.
With the right man for you, this situation wouldn’t even exist.
What I want to point out though is – you’re awareness about this! You’re doing great!
“I have a feeling that he thinks this is “safe” for him. He has given some indications that he is a little insecure about me…but what do I know? Being asked out once/week and only texting in between is not feeling good to me. I guess I don’t feel a real interest from him—even though he texts several times/day.”
YES!!! If things aren’t feeling good then you keep observing how things go without letting yourself get more invested – you are the one choosing!!
It sounds like he’s not ready for REAL intimacy and texting allows him not to get too close – just like you said!!
Your job is to turn it around from – “Why doesn’t he call me…” to “Why am I interested/putting extra energy into a man who only texts me…” This allows you to value yourself and this attracts a man who will value you. (It’s not being selfish or snobby.)
Notice how you feel when you turn it around.
THANK YOU. You just said what I have not been able to put in words! Turning it around felt kind of cold–like what if he is intimidated by me–am I being too demanding? He has actually asked me to go away for the weekend. I told him no—I don’t know you that well. I think I have been confused with his constantly saying that he wants to be with me—but the reality of one date/week and no phone calls–just texts.
That last sentence of yours brought me back to myself. Why AM I investing in a man who is not even calling me and who this week didn’t ask me out because he had his son for the weekend? Like he couldn’t have picked a week night? There’s nothing wrong with me and I am not being paranoid. This doesn’t feel good to me. That doesn’t make him a bad person—he just may not be behaving in a way that justifies my investment. When I can say that, it brings me into congruence with my feelings. I am honoring myself.
Thank you for observing the circumstances and verbalizing my true feelings!