Here’s a very common scenario from a woman who has given permission for me to share her question and answer her here.
Things have been going well since we talked last week. I’m trying to remember the tips that you gave me and what to say when those situations come up but we have been ok so far. There is a question I wanted to ask you that has come up in the past few days that I’m unsure about.
I’m sure you know by now I’m very detail oriented. lol. So I ask questions to know details and to clarify something. Usually, my boyfriend and I go to bed around the same time but the last couple nights, I’ve gone to bed before him. Not a big deal but I asked him the past 2 nights when he was planning on coming to bed… Last night when I asked him this he replied, “I don’t know, am I suppose to go to bed at a certain time? Why are you asking me all of these questions lately?”
I was a little taken aback because I felt like, we live together, I’m your partner, why shouldn’t I know what his plan is for the rest of the night? I said this to him and of course there isn’t a time you need to go to bed. I also said, “Well if I stayed up later than you, are you not going to ask me when I am coming to bed?”
I know he would want to know just like I want to know. The night before, he fell asleep on the couch and I woke up at 4am to find he didn’t come to bed yet, so I went out to the living room to turn off the tv and light and woke him up saying what time it was and to come to bed.
So I guess am I missing something here? My ex use to complain about me asking so many questions. My current boyfriend told me last night I was probing. I said I ask questions sometimes to clarify and to know the details.
Should I just go to bed and not ask? Let me know what you think. Thank you!” M
Hi M! This is a great question, as so many of us women would do this exact same thing! Isn’t it what you do when you love someone?
We ask our man what his plans are, what he’s up to, how he’s feeling – because it feels normal to us. We would gladly answer these questions if he were asking them! What’s the big deal??
To man – it feels completely different. It feels like pressure to him, as though he needs to do something or act in a certain way.
Turn It Around This Way
Step 1. Awareness
This whole new way of living and being in a relationship is all about awareness. Awareness. Awareness. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do with all of this awareness!
Step 2. Catch yourself when you’re wanting to ask him what he’s doing. See where it’s coming from. (Honestly there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know his plans, it’s an innocent question – knowing how it feels to a man makes it easy to stop, especially if it keeps him moving towards us instead of away from us.)
Step 3. Before going to your bedroom – you can let him casually know you’re feeling tired and sleepy and you’re going to go slip into bed. Smile softly at him. You can even give him a kiss if the energy is feeling good.
The key here is – you’re not wanting or needing anything from him. You’re simply doing what feels best to you. Which right now is going to bed.
If you find he hasn’t come to bed – that’s ok. Don’t make it mean something and definitely don’t make it mean something about you. Most likely it has nothing to do with you. (IF it starts happening frequently – then we’ll address it, but more than likely it won’t happen very often.)
It can feel “motherly” to him to wake him up and tell him to go get in bed – and this is what we want to avoid. We don’t want to mother him.
Step 4. Feel all of your feelings. As you climb into bed (or go about what you said you were going to go do) feel all of the feelings that come up for you. You’ll probably feel weird, uncomfortable, unsettled, worried he might think you don’t care or he might think there’s something wrong.
Instead Of Second Guessing Yourself Or Going In A Downward Spiral – Do This
1. Imagine yourself being the soft, sexy, warm inviting woman you ARE – and knowing you’re a woman who doesn’t need to ask your man a lot of questions anymore and you TRUST him to come to bed when he’s ready.
2. Give yourself 2 weeks and see how differently YOU feel and how he just starts showing up when you’re getting ready for bed.
Just to recap: Any time we’re in our masculine energy, which is the doing, thinking, acting, planning, suggesting, advising, asking questions and making things happen – we run the risk of having our man pull away. Our vibe and energy are literally pushing him backwards.
To bring him close again – get back into your feminine energy – the being, feeling, expressing, allowing and trusting energy. This creates space for him and it draws him to you. Almost as if you’ve put a spell on him! ????
Keep me posted!!
“Hi Leigha, Last night I told him I was feeling tired and going to bed just like you said. I was feeling nervous but I didn’t ask and I didn’t go up to kiss him. He told me, “Ok I’ll be in in a few minutes.” Within 5 minutes he came into bed and got super close, grabbed my hand to hold it as we fell asleep. He hadn’t done that in awhile and it made me really happy :). I’ll definitely continue to be more aware! Thanks!” M