One of the most common fears I hear from the women I work with who are now single after a long term relationship is, “I’m afraid of getting out there and dating. How will I know what to do? I don’t even know where to start.”
This fear is completely valid and normal. If even the thought of dating and being with someone new feels terrifying and overwhelming, please know you’re not alone!
Here are some guidelines to help you start healing your heart so you can begin moving forward toward the love and relationship you deserve.
I specifically teach women how men and relationships really work, so they can see the “red flags” from a mile away and easily avoid unavailable men.
They also learn how to experience what it really feels like to lean back, settle in and not work at all while a man moves their relationship forward. Men are really predictable, if we know what to look for.
If you don’t learn how men and relationships really work, you’ll spend your precious time and energy thinking about the relationship you just left, or worrying you won’t feel the same way you did with your partner (even if it was toxic), and having the real love you desire will feel elusive.
Once you learn how men and relationships really work, you’ll truly experience men and love in a whole new way. A way that feels good and inspires you to allow the right kind of men to get close to you.
Dating Is Not About Finding The Love Of Your Life
If you can change your perspective around what dating is – it will help you feel more grounded, safe and confident and make things so much easier for you.
Dating is really about “observing” men and noticing how you feel when you’re with them AND when you’re not with them. Sometimes after meeting a man we will start to feel anxious, if this happens consistently, then your intuition is talking to you.
When we think of dating as looking for “the one” we automatically put a lot of pressure on ourselves and we tend to put up walls to feel safe and these walls accidentally push good men away.
Here’s Where To Start If You’re Nervous Or Resisting Dating Again:
Step 1. Transform your story about men, love and relationships.
The first place to start transforming your relationship blueprint is in your thoughts and feelings, most importantly the way you FEEL when you think about your future love.
Imagine you’re in a tiny, cozy rowboat and you’re snuggled up with a strong, healthy masculine man who wants nothing more than to simply hold you and be with you. Imagine you’re perfectly matched.
It seems as if you’ve known him your whole life and you feel so happy and grateful he somehow found you. It seems as if it were always meant to be.
Step 2. Start imagining your heart is open when you’re around men.
Whether you’re in the grocery store, at the gas station, at a friend’s get together – open your heart.
Step 3. Allow yourself to be visible – either online or use an app.
Then when you’re ready: (Here is an example, feel free to use it!)
- Let men message you. Your job is to simply respond.
- A man messages, “Hi, how’s it going?”
- You: “Hi there, I feel pretty happy. I feel excited about (fill in the blank). What about you?”
- Him: Answers back.
Notice if he asks more questions or if he leaves the ball in your court.
If he leaves the ball in your court, there’s no need to respond back. You don’t want to be the one moving things forward. This is how you weed out men who aren’t into pursuing from the very beginning. No drama or getting blindsided.
A man who’s genuinely interested will move things forward all on his own. It’s in his DNA!
This is what a typical, healthy online dating scenario would look like:
A man messages you
You respond to him
He asks you questions
You respond and ask him similar ones
Let him “lead” the conversation – (You’re VERY capable I know!)
He asks for your number
You give it to him
He calls you
- Don’t talk for more than 20 minutes. (It’s super easy to create an “imaginary” man and relationship by spending time texting and on the phone without actually meeting him. Don’t do this.)
- He’ll ask you out to coffee, drinks or lunch.
- You meet up with him – keep the first date under an hour. (Leave with mystery!)
- Notice how you feel when you’re with him.
- He’ll let you know he had a great time either on the date or via text – he may even ask to see you again on your coffee date.
- Then your job is to simply respond to his “energy” coming towards you.
- Things should keep moving forward pretty easily and effortlessly.
Here are a few “red flags” to notice in the very beginning of dating:
- He’s content to only email or text – don’t waste your time.
- He doesn’t ask you questions – don’t waste your time.
- The other side of the spectrum is – if a man moves things forward so quickly he’s telling you he loves you and you’re the love of his life within 3 months of dating – this is a red flag. (I’m not saying this can’t ever happen – just don’t let yourself become invested before 3 months!)
From now on, dating is not about finding “the one” but learning how to express who you really are. Once you learn how to express yourself in a way that brings the right men closer, you’ll start to rebuild your intuition and trust in yourself AND men.
Here’s a typical scenario that happens all too often out in the dating world:
Imagine right now 5 men are messaging you and showing interest.
What’s an irresistible woman to do? She allows them all to get to know her and be in her presence, until one man really steps up to “claim” her. This looks like his actions and words consistently matching up and him showing her he’s interested in a long term, committed relationship.
An empowered woman doesn’t choose a man before he makes it apparent that he truly wants to be with her. This will save you from experiencing unnecessary heartbreak.
Women usually choose a man before he even knows how he feels and then she puts all of her energy into hoping he’s the one who can make her happy. In the past I put myself in these types of situations too.
When dating becomes more about observing how you feel when you’re with a man, you don’t have to worry about trusting HIM. You only need to trust how you feel.
Let me know how things go! I love hearing from you!